Mi Vida Loca

Ok! So here goes my children and I have been going through some tremendous changes for the past year or so. I was hoping that this year would be better but it sort of feels worse, maybe the added stress with the major changes, I don't know. They say its the darkest before the dawn, right?

Well, here goes from the beginning... I was married to the love of my life (or so I thought) for 10 years, but towards the end of my 2nd pregnancy I found out he started drinking and he was staying out late, lying and so on. The it turned into him drinking and doing drugs, into a full blown addict. I was devastated!

So, I moved out for awhile with my babies, after he drove drunk with our oldest in the car and wreck our brand new car at the time. I was beyond furious!!! Then of course he promises he'll get help and stop. I love him, so I want to believe him.

We decided to move away from his old "homies" so we move to Show Low ( a smaller community up North) anyhow, things were better for awhile. Then it all began again, as he found sources up there. To make a long story short...he got 2 DUI's up there and had to serve 4 months in prison and 4 years probation. While he was in Prison the children & I moved back to Phoenix with my parents. And he with his. I fully intended on leaving him and filing for divorce but I did not. Things kind of got better, then not and so on. I went to Medical Assistant school and got a job doing that. Then about 8 months into working...you guessed it I got pregnant again! So I decided to give him another chance until I found out he was totally using again! So, I left again. He talked me into giving him until the baby was born which I did and about 5 months beyond but NOTHING changed he just got worse and worse. So, I actually filed for divorce in July and it was final in October of 2012. Before the divorce was final he even had an affair... I guess he just didn't care anymore. Oh...and on the day our divorce was to be final he then decides to go to rehab ( for the 1st time EVER) anyways a little too late!

But of course like the damn fool that I am...he gets out of rehab and seems like a changed man...or so I thought, but not one week after rehab he's back at it AGAIN! I won't even mention the rest of what he did. He always fesses up later when sober and gets me sucked into his lies over and over. But as much as I love him and we have four beautiful children together, it is so difficult. Yet the cycle begins again as though nothing has changed because I am so stupid, that I believe him. And to top it off he hasn't had a job or supported us in over 4 years. I mean come on, really? So he still is the same, not a damn thing has changed.

It has been a long road but the kids and I moved in with my brother away from him, while I go to school. All while trying to completely let him go forever!!! It's difficult man! It sure seems easy for him.

NOW I am ready for the next chapter of my life. I am tired of waiting for things to change that are NEVER going to change! Time to find me! And work on me! Maybe it's time for the kids and I to go on a vacation somewhere away from here!!!